Saturday, January 8, 2011

Prank Candy

Hot Candy

Hot relative to what? I mean, if I'm going to prank somebody with a supposedly spicy candy, I don't want to drop the cash, wait for it in the mail, set up the rube real nice to where he's just DYING for a piece of sweet, sweet, sweets, and then find out it has all the mouth-burning power of a pack of Big Red. I want it to be HOT, goddamnit. I want, at minimum, his tongue to melt out of his mouth like a pan-fried popsicle. I want him to begin frantically searching for a glass of water and then, when he can't find one (because I've soldered all the faucet handles into their off position), I want him to begin frantically searching for a knife to cut his own throat. I demand suffering from my pranks, or where the fuck is the fun? If they're merely chagrined or mildly challenged, you might as well just punch them in the face. Save you the trouble.

All I'm saying is a little info re: the capsicum content would be nice.

Blue Mouth Gum

This has probably sky-rocketed in popularity since Avatar, especially with those dorks that fetishized those freaky blue bastards to the point where the Real Doll company had to start production on a full line of Na'avi fuck dolls because the special requests were getting out of hand. So really this isn't much of a prank. It's more a means to end for the sad folks out there that wish to simulate the aftermath of a fictional alien busting a nut in their greasy maw.

I mean, I guess you could use this as a prank. "Oooh... your mouth is blue now... it looks like you ate something... um... blue!" That would probably amuse fourth graders. Or maybe really religious Dads who think tinting the mouths of their mortally embarrassed children is how you let that long-dormant wacky streak roar.

I don't know. This is worthless and its creators are worthless.

Bloody Mouth Candy

Let me first quote from the advertising text:

This trick candy looks real, but when you eat it, your mouth becomes filled with a blood-like substance.

WHAT? Why... I mean, I can think of a million uses for this, but that's mainly because I'm a horribly cruel person who enjoys making people believe that they're dying from internal parasites (you eventually have to discover what makes YOU happy and then just reach for that glistening diamond every day, otherwise life is a gray wasteland of "considering the feelings of others" and "not being awful to everyone" and then you die, having wasted your life).

I think really the part that bugs me is the phrase "blood-like substance." What IS the substance? And why isn't it... you know... ACTUALLY blood? I mean, don't be pussies. If you're going for blood, GO FOR BLOOD. Maybe some of it is infected with Hepatitis? I mean LET'S DO THIS SHIT FOR REALS!!!

Otherwise you've got a victim with a mouthful of corn syrup (or whatever) who will never respect you ever again. You'll have no choice at that point but to kill him.

Smelly Feet Candy

This is disappointing because I thought that it was a candy that GAVE you smelly feet. That's psychological warfare like nobody's business... giving them an innocent candy and then, hours later, they don't get laid because their feet stink like a dead hobo's balls. That's brilliant because they would have NO IDEA. And you'd keep giving them candy and their life would slowly crash around them, relationships and employment opportunities and their once-loving family now merely flaming wreckage strewn about the metaphorical highway, all thanks to their stank-ass feet. You would laugh your ASS OFF for like months.

But no. Sadly, this is just candy that tastes like smelly feet. What a fucking waste of a diabolical concept.

Fart Candy

Okay, first off, there's no way this works. AT ALL. Because if it did, it would be the best-selling product of all time, surpassing even the Snuggie and Coke and coke and McDonald's chicken nuggets. Because, I mean really, who doesn't want to make their rivals fart up a goddamn hurricane at their bidding?

There's a market for that, clearly; this is a totally bullshit product and it's already one of the top-selling products from the extremely shady "prank warehouse" website where I got these pictures (I'm not going to link to it because I don't want to be the one that gave your computer AIDS).

But, okay... whatever. It's candy that has... what... beans in it? Garlic? Broccoli juice or something? I mean, like it matters. It's not going to happen, no matter what they say is packed into its cellophane wrapper. It fronts it will leave your victim "with uncontrollable farts." I'd wager the only thing uncontrollable will be your rage at a rip-off company that would claim a bowel-shredding prank nirvana and deliver only (maybe) a weak, one-cheek sneak.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Acceptable Amusements

Several years ago, the internet was created by a bunch of nerds that got bored with doing fractions (or whatever). It became kind of a big thing and everyone went apeshit over it, especially people that weren't famous because, with the powers of the internet, they could become famous without really having any talent at all. The internet in general was kind of awesome, all things considered, especially when you factor in the staggering array of pornography that suddenly became available. Shit you wouldn't BELIEVE. Ever see a guy in a prom dress punch a drunk midget in the balls and the midget loves it? I have. Just some really dark stuff out there. Stuff you can't unsee. Terrible. The internet might not have been a good idea, actually, because all this perversion is just OUT THERE now, floating around the air like a cloud that turns you into a closet leather fetishist.

The things people stick up their butts... unreal, man...

Ugh. I feel nauseous.

At any rate, the internet happened and after it worked out the kinks (Geocities, Mr. T Ate My Balls, virtual anything), it all settled down into a pretty comfortable groove. A little while after that, one of those non-famous people who desired a modicum of fame... C-dog, hello... started writing a blog:

Zombie Fights Shark!

That's it up there. It's basically the decaying carcass of a beached sperm whale these days, but feel free to wander over there on late nights to check out the sun-bleached bones. Some of those fart jokes might still be fresh!

ZFS! lasted a healthy four years or so and was, in my totally impartial opinion, the best thing ever produced by a fat guy. But like I said, it's dead and I killed it because... well, a lot of reasons. It had run its course, more or less. It was developing that "not so fresh" feeling. It represented a time in my life when I was still vaguely familiar with the concept of hope. Essentially, it had to go. And when it went, I figured that was probably it for me. Done with writing about crap on the internet, because really who gives a fuck what I say and think and do and take pictures of and write funny captions about?

Well, a few days ago, while staring at myself in the mirror and trying to figure out what happened to the young man who was once so full of promise, I discovered the answer to that question: ME!

I care about all that shit! And even more, I care about ramming it down the throats of the general public! It's not that I need the attention that comes from writing a blog for millions several people. It's that I crave it, and with the intensity of a frightened wolf chewing off its own leg before the hunter returns to his trap. It's not creepy at all!!!

So I decided to start up another blog. Something NEW. Something DIFFERENT. Something... ACCEPTABLE! And AMUSING! And that's how I got the title. Also, it's AA, like the not-drinking thing, which is ironic because I'm drunk right now. (p.s. I'm drunk always)

And here we are. Acceptable Amusements is now your life. Posting will be regular, but not obnoxious. It will be different from the old blog, but you know... not really. I can promise you THIS, though... it will be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in your life. Had kids? This will be BETTER. Sex on a beach in Hawaii while tripping on mushrooms? Man, I bet that was pretty great. Tell me about it. In detail. Do you have video?

So raise a glass of your particular poison, kiddos! To the dawn of a new era in acceptable amusements... hooray, Acceptable Amusements!!!

(press play on the video below for some appropriate theme music for a triumphant return)