Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Acceptable Amusements

Several years ago, the internet was created by a bunch of nerds that got bored with doing fractions (or whatever). It became kind of a big thing and everyone went apeshit over it, especially people that weren't famous because, with the powers of the internet, they could become famous without really having any talent at all. The internet in general was kind of awesome, all things considered, especially when you factor in the staggering array of pornography that suddenly became available. Shit you wouldn't BELIEVE. Ever see a guy in a prom dress punch a drunk midget in the balls and the midget loves it? I have. Just some really dark stuff out there. Stuff you can't unsee. Terrible. The internet might not have been a good idea, actually, because all this perversion is just OUT THERE now, floating around the air like a cloud that turns you into a closet leather fetishist.

The things people stick up their butts... unreal, man...

Ugh. I feel nauseous.

At any rate, the internet happened and after it worked out the kinks (Geocities, Mr. T Ate My Balls, virtual anything), it all settled down into a pretty comfortable groove. A little while after that, one of those non-famous people who desired a modicum of fame... C-dog, hello... started writing a blog:

Zombie Fights Shark!

That's it up there. It's basically the decaying carcass of a beached sperm whale these days, but feel free to wander over there on late nights to check out the sun-bleached bones. Some of those fart jokes might still be fresh!

ZFS! lasted a healthy four years or so and was, in my totally impartial opinion, the best thing ever produced by a fat guy. But like I said, it's dead and I killed it because... well, a lot of reasons. It had run its course, more or less. It was developing that "not so fresh" feeling. It represented a time in my life when I was still vaguely familiar with the concept of hope. Essentially, it had to go. And when it went, I figured that was probably it for me. Done with writing about crap on the internet, because really who gives a fuck what I say and think and do and take pictures of and write funny captions about?

Well, a few days ago, while staring at myself in the mirror and trying to figure out what happened to the young man who was once so full of promise, I discovered the answer to that question: ME!

I care about all that shit! And even more, I care about ramming it down the throats of the general public! It's not that I need the attention that comes from writing a blog for millions several people. It's that I crave it, and with the intensity of a frightened wolf chewing off its own leg before the hunter returns to his trap. It's not creepy at all!!!

So I decided to start up another blog. Something NEW. Something DIFFERENT. Something... ACCEPTABLE! And AMUSING! And that's how I got the title. Also, it's AA, like the not-drinking thing, which is ironic because I'm drunk right now. (p.s. I'm drunk always)

And here we are. Acceptable Amusements is now your life. Posting will be regular, but not obnoxious. It will be different from the old blog, but you know... not really. I can promise you THIS, though... it will be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in your life. Had kids? This will be BETTER. Sex on a beach in Hawaii while tripping on mushrooms? Man, I bet that was pretty great. Tell me about it. In detail. Do you have video?

So raise a glass of your particular poison, kiddos! To the dawn of a new era in acceptable amusements... hooray, Acceptable Amusements!!!

(press play on the video below for some appropriate theme music for a triumphant return)